Day Fifteen (T-1096)

“Cawing” It Like I See It

 

This will probably be a pretty short post. I’m still in the midst of my laptop saga. There is a chance I will be visited by a Dell technician tomorrow, provided the new motherboard and LCD something-or-other have been delivered. But it sounds like the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing, so it will be interesting to see how this unfolds. And of course I will keep you updated!

Once again: I am SO GRATEFUL to have my MacBook Air. Geesh, where would I be without it?

In the meantime, I want to alert you to a decidedly dubious decision made by Facebook today.

I have a great friend, Myrina, who recently launched a website and instagram account offering a unique and fascinating insight into the application of tarot in our lives, working specifically with a really cool deck that focuses on alchemy. This is her website . Her instagram name is cosmic.meta.crow.

Anyway, this is the post she just made a few days ago:

Now I want you to contemplate everything you see and hear and read about not only on FB, but also on television, in magazines, in movies, etc. Think about all of the egregious images and concepts that fill our airwaves every day.

Well, guess what? (I’m sure on some level you won’t be surprised in the least.) Facebook (or Instagram) (or both) refused to allow Myrina to promote her post for this week (a three card “spread” for which she offers an interpretation for readers to ponder) because of the Lovers Card!

Check that card out. It doesn’t even have any full-frontal nudity! It is the Lovers card. And her post was deemed offensive.

I find it offensive that we can be inundated with violence every day, but a drawing of two human bodies, in repose and affection, with hardly the slightest glimpse of anything is deemed too risqué for publication.

I think this whole ridiculousness highlights the astonishing prudishness (or should I say, “Puritanism?”) that remains vital and flourishing in this country.

How in the world can the human body be deemed offensive when killing and maiming it is not? Indeed, even more perverse is the categorization of the concept of “Lovers” as objectionable. Is it sex? They’re clearly not “having sex” on this card. Just what is so terrifying about the ultimate expression of our desire for union anyway?

If you are interested in a fascinating, complex, introspective perspective on tarot and how it might provide you with some insight and guidance each week, I encourage you to visit my subversive cosmic.meta.crow friend’s site. Be a little naughty (at least, according to Facebook) – you just might fly free!

Day Nine (T-1102)

Moose, Moose, and More Moose

In my post yesterday, I described how I interpreted receiving “Moose2” the morning after publishing my “Devotion” post, the first of 1111 posts I’ve committed to writing as an Act of Power and devotion to my son Karl.

And I pretty much focused upon the words I shared yesterday as the essential point drawing Moose was telling me.

So that was Tuesday morning: Moose2 .

IMAGINE my surprise, then, when I made the following choices the rest of last week:

Wednesday:    Moose/Mouse. (Again, the way I’ve written that means I chose Moose as my main pick – and that can be the top card, from the middle, wherever – by ‘top’ card I always mean the main card I consciously felt was the one I wanted to turn or pull out and look at. And Mouse was on the bottom. Literally. The bottom card is always the bottom card.)

Thursday:       Moose/Mouse. (And again, I chose these cards in this specific configuration after Karl had shuffled and made a fresh pick of his own that morning!)

Friday:            Moose/Fox.

Coincidence? Naah

Seriously. Choosing it a second time (on Wednesday) was cool. I immediately just took it to mean Spirit was giving me the aforementioned ‘pat on the back’ for having slogged out a post Tuesday night and published it before the stroke of midnight, even after getting home close to 10:00 p.m. after a really long session at work.

I’m pretty sure I glossed right through the text that morning, possibly because Karl had to leave earlier than usual and I suggested he just get on the road without me having to read it to him again, especially since we’d read it just the day before. (Yeah, we cut corners sometimes.)

With Mouse underneath, I just sort of took it to mean that I was doing well keeping my commitment – and paying attention to the details. Or maybe it was writing about the details. I wasn’t sure, but I did somehow feel that the Mouse was pointing to the fact that the Moose was related to acknowledging the discipline I was exercising in getting the act of writing and posting done.

After choosing it for a third day in a row (on Thursday) we started joking that the card ‘must be bent.’ But it wasn’t.

I had chosen it as I ran out the door for a very early (i.e., crack of dawn) appointment with a loved one. So yet again, Karl and I didn’t ‘read’ our cards until later in the day, when we were safely home in the midst of that very surprising, slippery, and deep (!) snowstorm that hit us.

Reading It Again

Once we were home together again, though, we felt it important to read our cards out loud, paying special attention to my Moose, since it had made a third appearance.

It was only then that I realized Moose was not only giving me ‘atta-girls’ for following through with my commitment, but was also confirming those leanings I’ve started sensing within myself about changes that may be coming as far as my focus in life.

First of all, reading further into Moose, I felt I was being given additional specific confirmation that the whole blog commitment overall is on target:

“The wisdom woven throughout this scenario is that creation constantly brings forth new ideas and further creation.”

That seemed to me to confirm the initial ‘hit’ I’d received about both of us needing to actively engage our creative pursuits as a means of honoring Karl’s life.

More Breadcrumbs

Then I realized as I read further, that perhaps my recent musings on ‘elderhood’ were – again – breadcrumbs leading me forward:

“Moose medicine is often found in elders who have walked the Good Red Road and have seen many things in their Earth Walk. (…)

The elders are honored in tribal law for their gifts of wisdom, for their teaching abilities, and for the calmness they impart in Council. (…)

If you have chosen the Moose card, you have reason to feel good about something you have accomplished on your journey. This may be a habit you have broken, a completion of some sort, an insight on a goal, or a new sense of self that you have fought hard to earn. (…)”

And then the final paragraph of Moose ‘upright’:

“One good exercise in Moose medicine is to write down things that you can love about yourself and your progress in life. Then apply these same things to friends, family, coworkers, and life. Don’t forget to share the findings with others. They need the encouragement as much as you do.

Spelling It Out

Wow.

Nothing like having it written out before me!  The encouragement to pursue this grand 1111 Devotion, and to realize that I might be starting to walk the path of an Elder. And best of all, that I would be doing it not for myself alone, but to share with each one of you who is choosing to share this journey with me.

Wow indeed. For then I received Moose yet one more time (on Friday). The appearance of Fox underneath emphasized, to me, that this is an act of creativity that is forcing me to allow myself to be noticed. I may seem like I’m cool with talking about all of this, but trust me, I feel naked.

Finally, I want to be clear: I do not think of myself as an “Elder.” If anything, I am on the cusp of Elderhood. I suspect those of you who keep reading may witness a transformation? I don’t know.  I hope so. I guess I feel like I’m a “Cuspy-Crone.” Mmm. Sounds delicious.

Picking Cards – the Weikel Way – Day Seven (T-1104)

Embracing Moose

Initially I was going to ‘apologize in advance’ for yet another blog post referencing the Medicine Cards©  by Jamie Sams and David Carson. But you know what? No apologies.

If you are still with me after six days of my posts (without me even giving you the option to receive them personally delivered to your email inbox – a feature coming soon to an inbox near you – perhaps as soon as tomorrow or the next day!), then you probably have surmised that these wonderful windows into understanding ourselves via Mother Nature’s creatures are a big part of my life.

With one thousand one hundred four blog posts on my horizon (at the very least), I can assure you that at least a half bazillion of them will center on, or in some way reference, the Medicine Cards© and how they impact my understanding of something in my life in one way or another. And I will write about it. And therefore you, if you’re as devoted to reading my blog as I will be to writing it, will read about it.

Feels like a full circle to me. Or at least some weird type of metaphysical co-dependency – but I’d rather think of it as a “circle of appreciation,” and perhaps even “wisdom sharing.” I would insert an eye roll here if I were texting.

Today’s post marks the completion of a full seven days of 1111 Devotion posts on Ruffled Feathers. In the grand scheme of things, this is a miniscule accomplishment. Not even 1%. Exactly 0.63%, to be honest. Hardly something to crow about. (Don’t go there.) And that is my human, perfectionist, egotistical, relentlessly critical perspective on my process. The one that says, “You can start to feel like you’re ‘all that’ when you get to, maybe, oh I don’t know, Day Five Hundred Fifty Six. But NOT ONE DAY BEFORE.”

But Spirit is different. Spirit is not an asshat to me. (I almost wrote the other word, but it just felt wrong – because Spirit’s not an asshole. Woops.)

On the contrary. Right out of the gate Spirit knew I would need reassurance that I had indeed “heard right” (i.e., listened) to the message that the best way to honor my son’s life was to engage in a substantial act of Devotion. 1111 sub-acts, to be precise.

Because let me tell you, since creating Ruffled Feathers in March of 2010, up through the day before writing my Devotion post, I had published a grand total of 31 entries, or an average of 3.5 per year. So committing to this Act of Power, as I’ve also called it, has almost every evening this past week caused my stomach to sort-of bottom out.

Yes, Spirit knew I would need a lot of coaxing to refrain from talking myself out of the fact that I’d actually received and correctly interpreted an inspiration (Spirit-nudge? Marching orders?) to write 1111 blog posts. I’m a lawyer. It would not take a lot for me to muster a pretty compelling argument that I’d somehow misheard that directive from Spirit.

But the fact remains that last Sunday (11/11) was the day I received the inspiration (and the confirmation from several sources, which I wrote about this past week) to do this thing.

Monday night I published my initial Devotion post, publicly committing to this Act of Power.

Tuesday morning, I picked:    Moose2. Yes, that correctly reads “Moose squared.” And what it means is that I chose Moose right side up, and the card on the bottom was a “blank.”

Remember, Karl and I choose cards virtually every single day at the start of our morning. Our ‘picking process’ is as follows:

Karl chooses first, shuffling, softly breathing his request for guidance on his day into the cards, shuffling some more, keeping his feet firmly planted on the ground to root him to Mother Earth…and then he picks what he picks. I read out loud the full main text of the top card, if it is upright, but if his top card is reversed, or ‘contrary,’ I read both the upright (main) and reversed passages in the accompanying text. I do not read out loud the information for the ‘underneath’ card. We just look at it, note it, and discuss how it might hone in on or otherwise clarify the application of the message of the top card.

Eventually it’s my turn, and I engage in essentially the same process.

So, to be clear, I’m never just picking up the deck and not shuffling, or doing anything else that might be odd or nefariously manipulating the deck, or my ‘pick,’ for the purpose of later writing about some amazing ‘coincidence.’ In fact, I shuffle and shuffle relentlessly, deliberately turning cards this way and that, just to ensure that they’re properly ‘mixed.’

Also, the Medicine Cards© deck comes with five or so ‘blank’ cards, which the authors or publishers suggest can be used for people who want to draw their own animals or insects or whatever. That’s not our thing. But we keep them in the deck for a two-fold purpose:

First, if we shuffle and shuffle and choose a “blank,” we take it to mean that we’re not grounded. Oftentimes we may be talking about extraneous things, joking around, being irreverent, or otherwise not being fully present to the task at hand, and we’ll get smacked by pulling a blank. So when we pull a blank, we know we need to settle ourselves and really get grounded and as clear as we can muster.

The other way we interpret the blanks is if they show up on the bottom of the deck after choosing our top or main card. If there is no other specific card showing up on the bottom to give the top card ‘context,’ then we consider that top pick ‘squared,’ and figure Spirit is telling us that the top card is either really important and we need to pay attention, or it’s influence is going to show up in our life very powerfully that day. Or both.

And so ends our Medicine Cards© Tutorial/the Weikel-Way,’ which was not what I initially intended to focus upon in this post. But I’ve rambled on far too long, and if my posts take up too much time for you to read, you may never come back!

Who am I kidding? Yes, I should keep my posts to a reasonable length. But this one went long, and I have 1104 left to write after this one, so I might as well save my Moose discussion for tomorrow. Thank you for reading; it really means a lot to me.

Silence – Day Six (T-1105)

 

 

Silence

When was the last time you spent some time in a place where there was no internet connection? And beyond that, no cell service whatsoever?

Karl and I are sitting before a glowing fire that’s alternately snapping and crackling then spitting and hissing as snowmelt drips down from the top of the chimney. We’re in the main room of a cabin on the bank of the Tohickon Creek. The rushing intensity of the water’s flow as it courses like roiling magma toward the Delaware from right to left just yards off the cabin’s porch is drowned out by the monotonous intensity of a cataract cascading down the rocky boulders of the cliffs across from us.

The creek is at the crest of its banks, filled to the brim from the more than half foot of snow that snuck up on our region only two days ago.

Lack of Choice Brings Liberation? Sometimes…

Darkness has descended upon the forest and when we open the wooden door to fetch more logs, the voice of the creek fills our ears, sounding as if it might carry the cabin itself into the river, as recently chilled air pushes past us to ripen at the fire.

We’re literally only five minutes from our home, but the isolation from electronics is incredibly liberating. And part of that liberation is in our lack of choice. We don’t have to “think” about it one way or another. We don’t have to exercise discipline to resist clicking to check on the latest state of our world; we don’t have to choose to put our devices on airplane mode. We can just be.

It’s an odd feeling, especially for me. I’ve been vacillating for weeks, knowing I’d rented this cabin for the weekend and earnestly wanting to share it with my friends and family, possibly even clients or readers of my Hoot Alerts, who might yearn for an impromptu Listening Retreat. I kept asking Spirit: “Should I offer another retreat? Should I gather my Ayllu*?”

Permission to Just BE

And it never felt quite right to do so. So I didn’t.

It feels a little selfish of me not to share this beauty. This isolation. This opportunity to just be. But I know, intellectually, that we need to take time for ourselves. Maybe we need to be a little bit selfish sometimes, in the sense that we put our need for silence first, ahead, even, of the amazing joy it gives me each and every time I lead a Listening Retreat or Ayllu Gathering.

And that’s where I am as I write this. The meeting of my head and my heart; the place where I allow myself to take a step back from listening to others and give myself permission to listen to the silence.

I am grateful.

—-

*Ayllu is a Quechua word for a band or group of people who share a common lineage or set of teachings and experiences, a concept similar to a “tribe.”

Following the Breadcrumbs – Day Five (T-1106)

Following the Breadcrumbs

Following is a glimpse into how I sometimes use my journal to put together the seemingly random pieces of information and messages that cross the threshold of my perception.

Last Sunday, shortly after choosing my “cards for the day,” I found myself writing in my journal about the epiphany I’d just had as to how I could honor the memory of my son Karl’s life by engaging in a creative devotional practice – in my case, writing blog posts – “for at least one year (but perhaps 1111 days?),” I wrote. Just the thought of that made my stomach drop.

Where in the world did that cockamamie idea come from? Turned out I’d happened to accidentally click on a post by Seth Godin earlier that morning that had something to do with doing “it” 1000 times. And “it” was writing a blog post.

Seth Godin’s Advice About 1000 Posts

The full title of the post? “The first 1000 are the most difficult.

“For years I’ve been explaining to people that

daily blogging is an extraordinarily useful

habit. Even if no one reads your blog, the

act of writing It is clarifying, motivating,

and (eventually) fun.”

 

The date Seth’s blog landed in my inbox? October 31st. Why had I saved that post? And why had I just clicked on it that morning?

Yet Another Clue, Another Breadcrumb

As these connections gained clarity in my mind and I started writing them out in my journal, this happened:

“AND THEN – just NOW (I swear), I couldn’t remember Seth’s last name as I wrote the above paragraph, so I looked in my gmail. Couldn’t find what I’d accidentally clicked on this morning (about the 1000) and I wondered if I deleted it. So I searched “Seth” (to get his last name) and the blog post that appeared first and quite prominently (because its title was at the top of the page, and in bold, because I hadn’t read it) was from November 8th and was entitled “If What You’re Doing Isn’t Working.”

“No shit. Seth’s Blog:

If what you’re doing isn’t working:

Perhaps it’s time to do something else.

 

Not a new job, or a new city,

but perhaps a different story.

 

A story about possibility and sufficiency.

A story about connection and trust.

A story about for and with

instead of at or to.

 

Bootstrapping your way to a new story about

the world around you is one of the most

difficult things you’ll ever do. Our current

story was built piecemeal, over time, the result

of vivid interactions and hard-fought lessons.

 

But if that story isn’t getting you where you

need to go, then what’s it for?

 

It’s entirely possible that the story we tell ourselves

all day every day is true and accurate and useful,

the very best representation of the world as it actually is.

 

It’s possible, but vanishingly unlikely.

 

What if we search for a useful story instead?

A story that helps us cause the change we seek

to make in the world, and to feel good doing it.

 

If you can’t solo bootstrap it, get some help

to install a new story.

It’s worth it.”

After writing this out in my journal just as I did above, I wrote: “Ummm, wow? And as I look back on the search results I see that the “1000” blog post was sent on October 31st. Why in the world did I just see that this morning?? And HOW DID I MISS THE ONE I JUST QUOTED VERBATIM?”

I Have to Give Karl Credit

“Yeah – maybe this is Karl’s way of getting through to me? Asking me to engage in a daily DEVOTION that, by honoring it and my devotion to him and HIS creative life, will open me up to honoring myself and my creative life.

Perhaps this is a new approach to MY story? Is it possible that I just followed some magical breadcrumbs?

If so, THANK YOU. Thank You, Karl, Spirit, my Guides and Guardians. Now please, please help me harness the discipline to engage in this devotion. Hmmm, maybe that’s why JAGUAR was underneath my contrary Dolphin this morning!?”

And that is the way I use journaling to help me follow the magical breadcrumbs in my life.

**It is 11:57 p.m., so please forgive this not being my best effort!

Devotion

Marking an Anniversary

Yesterday marked the seventh anniversary of my eldest son, Karl’s, very sudden and unexpected death. He drowned alone in a hot spring in the No-Man’s-Land of the California desert on the west side of the Chocolate Mountains. He was 30 years old.

I awakened yesterday to text messages from several amazing friends and a handful of family members, each reaching out and assuring me via electronic hugs and tender words that he is remembered. That Karl existed. That he mattered.

Half an hour later I read these kind wishes out loud as my husband Karl and I sipped coffee and looked at each other across the living room, sunlight refracting through cut-glass crystal ornaments hanging in our windows casting rainbow dogs throughout the room. Magic amid sorrow.

Yearning to Honor His Life

“How can we honor Karl’s life?” I asked his father, my husband of 38 years. The answer flashed in my awareness before the final word of my question made its way across the room.

“I don’t know?” his furrowed brow indicating he didn’t want to hazard a guess.

“Yeah, you do. We both do.” I searched his face, my eyes locking with his, knowing he, too, knew instantly. In that moment. As soon as I’d voiced the question.

“Our art?” he asked, doubt dusting the edges of his response.

“Yes,” I affirmed, my heart beating just a little bit faster because he really did know it, too. “Your painting. My writing.”

We just sat there. Looking at each other. “Creation. Creativity. It’s what he was all about. It’s what LIFE is all about,” I added. “And we need to do it without any regard for its ‘worth’ to others. We just need to do it.”

Minutes later, we picked our Medicine Cards© for the day, finished our coffee, and moved forward, silently contemplating what exactly this might mean for each of us.

1111 Devotion – An Act of Power

For me, the cards I chose reinforced the answer to my question. Indeed, they added a specificity that, along with other synchronous indicators I’d encountered within the past 12 days (but only put together yesterday afternoon), resulted in the blog post you are reading right now. My first blog post in 11 months.

Almost always, I choose cards each morning with Karl, over coffee, silently asking, “How can I be of highest service to my self today?” How I came to realize the importance of this question (and how unselfish it actually is, in spite of how it sounds) is perhaps something I’ll address another day. But yesterday, my question was different. It was, “How can I be of greatest service to Karl’s memory?”

I chose Dolphin reversed with Jaguar underneath.

As I will explain, this led me to realize that I am being called to engage in an Act of Power: an act of Devotion, if you will. According to the World Book Dictionary, a definition of devotion is “…3. The act of devoting or setting apart to a sacred use or purpose; solemn dedication; consecration.” Mmm, yes. That feels right.

This blog will be my visible devotion to my son’s memory. My Act of Power. For the next 1111 days, I will create a post. Some may only be a sentence long, for that may be all I can muster. Some may, and let’s face it, almost certainly will, be much longer. The topics may wander all over the map; there is no consistent theme to these future posts, at least from my perspective at this moment, at the outset of this journey. And considering that these posts will take me – us, if you join me – to November 26th, 2021, I probably cannot even imagine the topics that will arise for me to discuss.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I am daunted by the discipline this will take.

But I will listen to the message. I will engage in this act of devotion to my son’s memory. And so, I begin.