Listening Wins Again
One of my greatest passions in life is witnessing the healing power of listening. The corollary to that is the thrill I get in conveying my passion to others and helping them experience first hand how listening can transform both their lives and those to whom they listen.
My delight in listening and its many gifts is so ingrained in me that I actually feel my entire body quicken when I hear of an instance in which listening is happening for people – and it’s making a difference. Actually, that last clause is oxymoronic. For whenever listening is really and truly taking place, it makes a difference.
I’m thinking specifically of something I heard today that gladdened my heart.
I was in Philadelphia today, attending a CLE (Continuing Legal Education) program. Just as in almost all other professions, lawyers must take a certain number of course credits per year in order to keep their licenses current.
Some Background
I decided to take a course on Family Law, since a big part of my practice used to consist of these types of cases. It’s been a long time since I handled a divorce, support, equitable distribution, or custody case, and I wondered if things had changed much in the intervening years. This particular course focused specifically on the practices and procedures followed in the four counties surrounding Philadelphia, Bucks County being one of them.
Honestly, I think I was surprised by just how little has changed since I first started practicing here 36 years ago. Except for one thing: I noticed that the court personnel who were presenting the course and describing how each of their offices specifically handle various aspects of these cases genuinely are committed to improving our clients’ sense of being treated fairly.
Seems obvious, doesn’t it? Isn’t that the whole point of having a judicial system?
That’s what I thought, too.
The Wild West of the Legal System
But when I first started handling family law cases I was absolutely horrified by the fact that, at that time, there were no standards or guidelines, for instance, on child support. You went into court with your client, armed with proof of your client’s income, as much proof as you could muster of the other side’s income, and a long and tedious list of all of the expenses of raising the children. And then it was a crap shoot. It was as if you’d stepped into the wild west. You literally had no standards, no guidelines, nothing with which to even give your client an idea of what they would owe (or receive), other than what you could guess from other cases you’d handled. And even those outcomes were often disparate, for a lot depended upon which hearing office or judge heard your case, and whether they were cranky that day.
Luckily for everyone, this started to improve almost as soon as I began practicing. Guidelines were enacted statewide, giving people at least a ‘ballpark’ range of what they could expect, and some predictability was introduced into the system. It is hard to believe things actually ran that way back then.
Everybody Has a War Story
The worst part of that, though – which is something that actually continues to this day – were the war stories that would inevitably circulate among every client’s family, friends, and acquaintances. These stories (perhaps more accurately called fables) would tell of exorbitant weekly or monthly sums being levied (or scored), and in the realm of equitable distribution (the divvying up of the assets and debts of the marriage), one side or the other receiving monumental (or paltry) percentages of the value of the parties’ assets.
Needless to say, with no clear idea of how any particular hearing officer or judge was going to decide what was going to be fair for your particular client to receive (or have to pay) on any particular court date, and many of those surrounding your client kibitzing on what she or he should or shouldn’t get (or pay), this area of the law was rife with misery. Not only were their worlds falling apart emotionally. No one felt heard. No one felt treated fairly. And few felt they’d received justice.
By the time I stopped handling family law cases, a lot more uniformity in the treatment of cases had been introduced. But there was still a very callous manner of treating people (in my experience) when court appearances were required. Clients were often shushed and only allowed to speak through their attorneys. Perceived injustices were dismissed out of hand, and if an attempt was made to voice such perceptions and simply tell their stories or at least explain their position, blowback could, and often did, occur.
A New Respect and Appreciation for Listening
So I felt a real thrill today when I heard how committed many of the “masters” (those court personnel who hear and resolve roughly 85% of all equitable distribution cases) are to going out of their way to treat parties with respect. They make a point of showing them exactly how they are proposing splitting things up and why. And many encourage each of the parties to express their position and have their opportunity to not only be heard – but be listened to.
If I heard it once today, I heard it at least a dozen times: “It’s amazing how much easier it is to achieve resolution when the parties feel they are having a chance to state their position – and that we’re listening.”
Divorce is painful. Splitting up our possessions is hard. Figuring out how to best handle custody and support is always a challenge. But when the system offers dignity, listens, and explains, even if we don’t agree, it can make the whole ordeal a lot less traumatic.
Listening wins again.
(T-1037)